“When are you returning to work?” My Response
“When are you returning to work?”
This is one question that is often asked of me by friends, family and other random people when they find out I'm a first time mom and our plans are for me to stay home and care for my son. I often get a surprised or shocked look from them and sometimes their assumptions of me change.
“It must be so nice to be able to afford to stay home!”
“What do you do all day?! It must be soooo boring!”
or simply:
“Oh, you're one of those moms.”
What do they mean by “one of those moms”? If they mean that I'm a mom who understands the importance of parental bonding in the early years of life then they're on the right track but there's much more to it than that.
My entire day, all 24 hours of it, revolves around running the household and making certain that my son has all of his needs met. That means planning and making meals, kissing boo boos, cleaning EVERYTHING, playing with toy trucks, doing laundry, reading stories, teaching the 123s and the ABCs, cleaning poop and pee off various surfaces, being a disciplinarian, having tickle fights, dealing with tantrums, tripping over mounds of toys, experiencing sleep deprivation and having complete and unconditional love for my son.
There is obviously much more to the job description than that so we'll just say it's a demanding and sometimes tough job and I'm happy to do it. Being a mom is a job in and of itself and my work started when that child of mine was growing inside my belly.
We've looked into daycare but the cost is exceptionally high where we live. The average cost for day care here in Toronto is between $1500-$2000 per month. That means that if I decided to return to work nearly all of my personal income would be going to pay for daycare alone. The high cost of daycare is one of the many factors leading more parents to stay home and care for their children.
Even if the cost of daycare was more reasonable I would still feel the same about staying home to care for my son.
Other than the cost of daycare being high, I believe that especially in the early years of a child's life it is important for parents to do the majority of the raising. It just doesn't sit well with me to think that my alternative would be to come home everyday from a soul sucking office job (been there done that) and be too mentally/physically exhausted to enjoy time with my kids and take care of their needs to my best ability.
A big concern for me is that my son would be spending more time with a paid worker than with one of his own parents. They say that a child's personality and character develops as a result of how they were raised in the earliest years of life and so during this very short window of time, I think it's best that my husband and I be the primary guides on morals, behavior, etc. I don't want someone else to do my job while I'm miserable earning just enough to pay them to do what I would be happy doing.
My husband works very HARD every single day at his job and although his work is not physically demanding it can be mentally exhausting. It makes me happy to be able to make home cooked meals for him and my son and also to be the wife and mother that I expect myself to be. By being a stay at home mom I'm not only caring for my son I'm also more present and there for my husband.
It's shocking how many people make the assumption that stay at home moms are “being put in their place” or that they are just pressured to take on the traditional role of a woman. I in no way feel like a “servant” or that I am any less of a person because I'm the one staying home to care for my son. My job is as equally important as my husband's. We are a team and raising a child takes a lot of work and I am proud that I can say I am a stay at home mom.
A mother should not feel as though she has to choose between the corporate world or her children.
I've chosen to be a stay at home mom because it's the right choice for my family and I. We all have to make choices in our parenting and sometimes it's difficult. Some parents may feel differently than I do and that's ok. Everyone parents their children in the best way that they see fit.
I have returned to work. It's not in an office answering phone calls or analyzing data in excel sheets in a small cubicle like I did for years before. This is the most important job I could have ever taken on. I'm certainly not perfect but I'm doing my very best to be everything that my son needs me to be.
I read this once in a while to help me feel better about being a stay at home mom. I feel so conflicted sometimes; I am guessing its from others expectations but I really do not know. Reading this helps remind me that I am a stay at home mom because it is best for our family.
Michelle, it is good to see that there are still families out there who value what a stay-at-home mom means. My wife and I raised four children on one income. She worked occasionally outside our home but we eventually made the decision to give up her income. We would do it the same way again if we had to do it over. One thing I always understood and empathized with was the fact that my wife was still working. She managed the house, the children, the finances and all that goes with it. The difference between her and me is that I could leave my job after eight hours but hers was 24 hours a day, seven days a week. She was never off duty! Let those people who look down on you try that!
The sacrifices made are not insignificant. It took 25 years to buy our first new car. We didn’t go on a vacation for twenty years after our honeymoon. Our house still shows the ravages of not having the money to remodel or even fix everything. We still would make the same choice. When our children came home from school every day, Mom was there. That itself is worth its weight in gold to me.
We became so used to living on one income that we continued after the kids were grown. This freed my wife up to take care of her dying mother, her dying sister and my mother before her hip replacement. Some of this was out of state, some in our home. The greatest blessing was that her mother did not have to go to a nursing home. She was cared for, and died, in our home with her family around her. God has rewarded us for our choice!
Angelo
Joliet, IL
Eh. I’m a stay at home mom to my kiddos. I love it (most days) and I’m glad that I am. It’s the right choice for my family and me. However, if I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned this: Some moms think they would hate being a stay at home mom and would really love it. Some moms think they’d love being a stay at home mom and end up hating it. Some moms find it completely mind numbing and are better off going to work each day, and some moms are completely overwhelmed with the day to day.
I think it all depends on personality.
I, for one, had to really adjust to being a stay at home mom. I think it’s odd that so many people think it’s a sacrifice on the part of my husband. To me, I think it’s a huge sacrifice on my part. I gave up my career with my big corner office and my 401k. I gave up my fulfilling career. I gave up the feeling of contributing financially (which was a HUGE obstacle for me. HUGE).
BUT, I’d do it a million times over again because these are seriously the best days of my life. Yet, it’s still a sacrifice.
I hate that people even have to comment on it to you, honestly. All the stay at home moms feel like they have to defend their position and all of the working moms feel like they have to defend theirs. It’s just unfortunate.
Thanks so much for commenting!
The decision to stay home to raise a family definitely depends on the person and their unique situation. While it’s the right decision for some it may not be for others and that’s ok.
I completely agree that it’s unfortunate that both sides, working moms and stay at home moms feel we have to defend ourselves. When I had to make this decision there were constant comments and even shock from family members and others. What works for one family might not work for others. It frustrates me that often times people make the assumption that a new mother is absolutely going back to work – their comments and reaction to the decision can come across as devaluing the work a stay at home mom does.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! 🙂
Michelle
hi there, i came across your blog through pinterest while looking into your sinful chocolate cake recipe 🙂 i totally agree with your point of view regarding stay at home mums….just wanted to appreciate you because i can relate to it and share same sentiment….with my first borne 13 years ago i made the same choice and even today with five kids (youngest 3 months old) i’m one happy and busiest mum at home 🙂 being mother is not an easy job, it reflects all versions of your personality and only being a mother we can do this much productive multi-tasking!
Wow! With 5 kids you must certainly be a busy mom! Being a mom really is a hard job but i’s such an important one. It’s always nice to hear from other moms who feel the same way I do about choosing to stay home to raise their children. 🙂 Thanks so much for commenting!
Congrats on the new little one by the way! 🙂
Michelle
Well said <3
Thanks Marianne! 🙂